The Long Hard Road

August 9^th was the day my life blew up in my face and was severely shaken down to it’s core like a house of cards in a strong breeze. This day was a day I would not wish upon any one individual no matter how much I may not like them as a person. This day saw my wife informing me that not only had I strayed from the path I thought I was on, but also lost respect in not only her eyes but the eyes of the Lord as well. I was having those bottoming out, what is going on, hit in the head by a 2×4 moment as I was asked to leave my home and not return.

Two years ago it had come to light by my wife that I had been secretly looking at pornography on the internet and was saving the pics to a file on the computer. She had gotten a tip from one of her friends who thought I might be hiding something of this nature due to that fact that I would shut the door to the office and not let my wife in or if she did enter without knocking that I would get very upset with her. These were all signs to her friend that something was going on with me that might not be good in the eyes of the Lord.

She examined the computer and found the file with the pictures saved in it and I happened to come home and she confronted me. Like any individual who is put in a situation like that I informed her that I didn’t know how they ended up on the computer or that they were from a very long time ago. I am glad my wife isn’t a stupid person because she saw the days they were saved onto the computer and she didn’t believe me. She was hurt and after some discussion we went to see our pastor.

Our pastor talked with us a bit and he informed me that I should look into getting some counseling, which I was up for. I set-up an appointment and met with my counselor and we began to talk and after a number of sessions we came to the conclusion that I had very low self esteem due to a number of experiences in my life before I met my wife that were contributing to this. He felt, and I agreed, that I would fight with my wife or have some type of argument with any one and that would be the time I would go and look up pornography on the internet. This was because the pornography wouldn’t reject me like I thought everyone around me was doing. It would be inviting to me and I would just sit there and look at the pictures or video clips and it would be so relaxing and comforting.

We got a blocker on the computer and I read a couple of books on the subject and figured I was good to go again and on the road to healing. I was so stupid to think that, because what I had was an addiction to porn and somehow I covered over it, but it laid there in wait for the right moment to come back and strike.

I can even remember how it came back, we had just gotten a new computer and I was downloading what I thought was a song I had heard over in
Italy on one of the few trips I had taken to over there. I clicked on the song to make it play, but what I got instead was a movie clip of two people in the middle of a sexual act. I looked at it and knew I shouldn’t be watching it, but it was like seeing an old friend whom you missed for quite some time.

The addiction had come back and it, that being Satan, knew just when to do it as well. My wife and I just had an argument and I was trying to get away from the whole thing so I went upstairs to download music and that’s when it came back. I then purposely downloaded other video clips and watched them cause I was hooked once again and just like before it was comforting and relaxing to sit there and watch or look.

I do not know how my wife found them to this day and I do not care, because she did find them and informed me that we were separated and I needed to leave the house and not come back till I fixed myself. Of course I did what I had done the first time trying to lie my way out of the situation by saying I did not know how they got there, but luckily God gave her clear vision once again to see thru what I was saying and to stay strong in kicking me out of the house.

Now that my world had blown up in my face I was crying my eyes out and angry at myself, surprisingly not at God, but at myself. I knew deep down inside I had a problem and it needed to be fixed. I needed to make my life better so I called my brother-in-law and ended up telling him what happened and we prayed over the phone and he gave me the pastors cell phone number. I called the pastor up and told him the jist of what happened, that being that I had fallen and the addiction was back. I then called my counselor who by the grace of God had an immediate opening and we talked and we began to work on the situation. He suggested I enroll into a program that specifically deals with subjects such as this for men and men only. I was up for anything and I knew I had to do what I had to do in order for my life to get on the road I thought I was following.

I talked with my pastor two days later and we talked about getting an accountability partner. I was more than up for and suggested a man in the church whom I have great respect for and knew if anyone could kick my but in line to get off this addiction it would be him.

All this that I have written happened in a matter of a few days and I knew it wouldn’t be over, I knew I had a long journey ahead of me and I knew I had to get closer to God, but the thing I didn’t expect which I probably should have was that fight that Satan would put up to not lose me and keep my feet solidified in this addiction that he spent so much time and effort into.

I have talked to her family and they are all supportive of me getting the help I need and my wife and I getting back together in order to have the life that God intended for us to have. My family is confused and uncertain about the whole situation since my mom has been through 2 divorces and feels that this really isn’t an addiction in the first place. I know she loves me as I love her and we have been through a lot in our lives together, but I have a problem and I need to get help for it like that as if I were an alcoholic or drug addict. An addiction is an addiction no matter what way you look at it, if you can’t stop and it has the chance to ruin your life then I would have to say that is an addiction.

I love my wife and I am embarrassed and angry at myself because I had let her down and hurt her as much as I did. I have some great friends and great family who supporting me in this particular time of my life and I think I managed to up root everyone in their own comfort zone for them to sit back and re examine their own lives and dedication to the Lord to see if they are trying to hide anything from him that they don’t want to come out. You see I feel that if God is going to use this event in my life in order to bring it to light more with others who may not be sure or are scared to talk about such things then I am all for it. I remember a friend saying that God uses people in ways they didn’t realize they would be used for. Well for me my time is her and my time is now, it is a sink or swim moment in my life. I can either give everything over to God or I can continue down the path I was truly traveling and embrace the fires of Hell now and be done with it.

For me I want to do rather than die and Lord knows I hate the heat so it’s time to buckle down read the word and give my life over to God. Will it be easy, no, I would be stupid for thinking that it would be. I have a long road ahead of me as well as a hard fight on my hands. I never accepted help before because I thought could handle it myself, but I can’t and I won’t. God is with me as long as I accept his help and keep in my mind that he forgives me and I need to forgive others as he does me.